Bedbugs, TSA cause cancellation of big tour

By JoBerta Wells

Landmark News Service

You will be sad to find out that I have had to cancel my grand tour of the country. I know you were looking forward to my travelogue in The Casey County News. Well, it couldn’t be helped, you know. There were too many things against me.

First of all, there is the threat of bedbugs. I’d almost rather have a terrorist threat than bedbugs! It seems you can’t even go to the grandest hotels these days without worrying about bringing bedbugs home in your luggage. Yechhhh, can you imagine having those things in your house?

Now we know why Grandma used to say, as we trundled off to bed, “Sleep tight; don’t let the bedbugs bite.”

I remember years ago that everyone was told to put the legs of their beds in dishes or pans containing kerosene so the bedbugs wouldn’t get in your bed. I guess it worked but you had to be careful about lighting a cigarette or cigar if you were near the bed. Seems the cure would be worse than the pests if you did that.

Anyway, a friend of mine who is bravely going on a trip said she was going to bring her luggage home, leave it out in the yard along with the clothes she was wearing, and let the bedbugs freeze. If you are interested in seeing a real, live streaker, contact me and I will tell you where she lives and when she expects to return home.

Second, I discovered that I don’t have enough money to take my grand tour. I have about enough money to reach Cincinnati but the return trip is doubtful.

Maybe I could just include Poodle Doo, Jacktown, Labascus, Middleburg, and a few other local tourist delights in my trip. I wouldn’t have to pack or spend the night or worry about bringing home bedbugs.

Third, and maybe most important, I certainly don’t want to have to fly anywhere these days and have either a full-body scan or its alternative, the dreaded pat-down by some heavy-handed TSA agent.

Do you think I wear all these clothes to have my amazing physique revealed to the world by a body scan? You’re nuts if you do.

I also don’t want to be touched in places that haven’t been touched by anyone besides my doctor in about 20 years, much less a stranger! That’s way too intimate for me. If I can’t drive where I need to go, I ain’t a-goin’.  

Fourth, there are too many recent incidents where airplane engines are blowing up or falling off. Kind of takes the fun out of flying, doncha know. Can you imagine hearing the pilot say, “Put your head between your knees and brace yourselves for an emergency landing as soon as I find a big cornfield.”?

I wouldn’t be able to get my head between my knees because the seat in front of me is usually between my knees.

I remember the days when traveling was a hoot. I’ve been lots of places in this country and outside it and I never came home with bedbugs, I didn’t have to take my shoes off in an airport security line, I didn’t have to expose my body to strangers, and the engines on planes didn’t fall off very often.

Forget the grand tour. I’m staying in Yosemite.

 Editor’s note: Joberta Wells is a columnist for The Casey County News in Liberty.