Shotgun wedding (photos) anyone?

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By Jesse Osbourne

Let me just say that carrying a shotgun (unloaded, of course) through a crowded, public place was the least eventful moment of an interesting day recently.

If you remember, I recently donned a mustache to a bachelor party. Well, the bachelor's wedding was June 30.

No mustaches, but plenty of mayhem.

Not for the bride and groom, though (at least that I know of). Just personal mayhem.

I started the day by putting on a tuxedo around 11 a.m. for a noon photo shoot outside.

It was only 100 degrees outside. As one of the groomsmen so eloquently said, "There should be summer tuxedos and winter tuxedos."

Although I don't know what a summer tuxedo would look like (shorts? cotton shirt?), I agree that tuxedos should be seasonal.

Standing in the heat wearing a penguin suit is something I could handle, though. People did it at my wedding. I'd be glad to do it for my friend.

One of the photos for the wedding was to be of groomsmen holding guns while trying to look tough.

The groom requested we use a gun with wood-grain on the stock. So, I borrowed one from my dad. The gun originally belonged to my great-grandfather, I believe.

Anyhow, the gun was in my wife's vehicle. I forgot to grab the gun when I got into my vehicle to drive to the photo shoot.


No big deal, right?

Well, it kind of was.

I called my wife and asked her if she could bring the gun to me.

Her reaction was, well, let's just say she had to drop everything to make this happen. My timing was poor, to put it lightly.

Being the awesome person she is, she dropped everything to bring me a gun.

Here's where the story gets interesting.

On her way to me, her car died. Thankfully, she was able to pull it into someone's driveway before it sputtered to a stop.

Just before the photo shoot began, my phone began ringing incessantly.

It was my wife, to tell me she was stranded.

So, I left the photo shoot and rushed off to pick up my wife and the gun.

I drove back to the photo shoot location, gun in tow, and my wife dropped me off.

Let me remind you, dear reader, that the photo shoot is taking place in a crowded public venue.

I jumped out of the car, grabbed the gun and quickly hid it from view. More about that later.

Meanwhile, my wife went home, called AAA, and finished her errands.

She didn't know the address or road she was traveling on when the car broke down, so she told the AAA guy to meet her at the photo shoot location.

To sum things up rather neatly, my car died once she arrived.

Now we had two vehicles dead on the hottest day of the year, not to mention a perturbed wife whose husband was off getting ready for a wedding.

Now, back to the gun.

The place where I hid my gun was far away from the truck that I needed to store the gun in.

So, I carried it 150 yards to the truck.

I probably passed 30 people in those 150 yards.

What were the reactions?

I couldn't tell you. I just kept walking, head down, wishing for the gift of invisibility.

Luckily, I wasn't arrested.

Eventually, we took the picture with the guns and headed off to the church.

Everything was going swell until I went down the aisle to meet the bridesmaid.

Suddenly it felt like I was wearing flip flops. I looked down and the heel of my shoe had come unglued. My shoe clapped as I walked back up the aisle.

I'm sure my mouth will be agape in those pictures, as I was still trying to figure out what was happening.

I made it through the ceremony, but had my (awesome) wife bring me a pair of shoes from home for the reception. A fella in a tux has to dance, you know?

My wife was a rock star that day, handling everything while I prepared for the wedding.

There was one more catch, though. The auto repair place her car was towed to was closed. The owners were on vacation.

Lucky for me, I only had to walk to work four days instead of five because of the holiday (I kid, I kid).

Editor's note: Jesse Osbourne is the editor of The Springfield Sun.