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Warning: Ladies, if you haven't watched the two-hour special of The Bachelor on ABC, which aired Monday night, stop reading now! I would hate to ruin your DVR (commercial-free) experience.
Men, on the other hand, don't even bother reading any further. I'm sure you could care less about anything I have to say regarding this reality TV show. On second thought, you may have been forced to watch the show by your wives, so you may choose to continue reading. But, don't try to pretend that watching the show was a torturous experience, especially considering the numerous camera close-ups on certain "features," which adorn most of the 25 women who are competing for The Bachelor's heart. Seriously, ABC, can you be more obvious? Apparently, the more cleavage, the better the ratings. Geez. But, I digress. It's time to get on to my serious, in-depth look at the season premier of The Bachelor. First of all, let me just say that I adore this year's bachelor. Jason Mesnick from Seattle, Wash., is a friendly, personable, easygoing guy who just happens to be a single dad. He is also very, very easy on the eyes, I might add. Last year, his heart was broken on The Bachelorette when DeAnna Pappas turned down his proposal. It was a shock to him and his millions of adoring fans. So, this year on The Bachelor he has a chance to find true love, which is bound to happen on a reality TV show, right? Right. Nevertheless, 25 young women are going to try to win his heart and if last night is any indication of what the following episodes of The Bachelor are going to be like, the show promises to be completely bizarre and I love it! Monday night, I actually took notes during the show so that I could remember some of the most unusual and hilarious moments. I will attempt to read my chicken scratch and expand on some of the most memorable moments. One of those moments was when Jason was "getting to know" a dental hygienist named Shannon. While her sparkly red dress was very flattering her protruding, ridiculously white teeth were not, and her stalker-like behavior wasn't becoming either. She seemed to already know everything about Jason, and even referred to herself as a stalker, which she attempted to deny but it was written all over her face (and teeth). Another moment where I was left scratching my head in pure disbelief was when some blonde chick who sells medical equipment began discussing how she sells toe implants (not to be confused with breast implants). Note to self, the first time you meet a man don't even utter the words "toe implants." It's a bad idea. Really, it's just creepy. Don't do it. However, Miss Toe Implants wasn't as shocking as a lacrosse coach named Megan who actually left her 14-month old baby at home to be on the show. Seriously? Is being on a reality TV show so important that you would leave your baby, who is barely a year old, so that you can selfishly get your 15 minutes of fame? I'm still baffled by that and I hope she gets booted off the show soon so that her baby can have his or her mommy back. Better yet, maybe social services should step in. I'm just sayin'. Actually, more than one woman left her child/children at home to pursue Jason, but there was one of these women who had a more lasting impression on me for another reason. She compared Jason to her dead husband who was killed in a plane crash. One young lady I couldn't help but like was the girl who cooked hotdogs and had her own little theory about how you can tell a lot about a man by what toppings he puts on his frank. She was cute and genuine, I thought, and the comments that were made during the hot dog cooking session, such as, "You can tell a lot about a man by the way he dresses his pork," made that segment of the show even more enjoyable. By the way, for what it's worth, Jason put mustard on his hot dog. One thing I was blown away by was the fact that so many of these women completely trashed their hometowns when introducing themselves to Jason. One girl even said, "It's not that great of a place." I think she was also the girl who discussed toe implants and I think it's safe to say that she won't be getting a key to her city when she gets back home. The chick from Los Angeles won't be getting anything when she returns home either, except maybe a few "vision boards." What the heck is a vision board, you might ask? Heck if I know. But, you might ask the universe, because "it's listening." And, last but not least, let me just say that by the looks of most of the young women on The Bachelor, tanning salons throughout the country had a great year last year despite the poor economy. I have never seen so much fake baked skin in my life. Good grief! Pass the sunscreen please! Obviously, I am looking forward to watching The Bachelor this season. Not only because Jason is so very easy on the eyes, but also because there is a thrilling twist that ABC gave us a peek at last night. The Bachelorette, DeAnna Pappas, makes an appearance and apparently wants Jason back. Oh, the suspense! The drama! The pure mindless entertainment! My mother thinks it is shows like these that are the signs of the end of our civilization as we know it. But I couldn't disagree more. For me, this show is an hour (or two if I'm lucky) that I can escape my reality and live in someone else's. No matter how unrealistic that reality may be. Now, I must put an end to this column so I can watch the first episode of "Rock Of Love Bus" with Brett Michaels. Now, that's what I call mindless entertainment! It's shows like these that make me wonder how I ever survived without DVR!